Jiraiya the Teacher
by SamusOlderBrother
Summary: Jiraiya actually focuses and does some research on Naruto before training him in the month between the second stage of the chunin exam and the final stage. He decides against messing with kyubi chakra. Slight AU, but mostly canon. Course Language.
1. Chapter 1

__A/N: This will last as long as I feel like writing it. Updates will be sporadic.

 **Training Montage… Because why not?**

Jiraiya sat in the Hokage's office with the contents of a file folder spread out everywhere. Some papers were strewn across the floor, some on a couch, some on the Hokage's actual desk.

"You know, Sarutobi-sensei, I'm surprised he even graduated."

"I didn't know you were back, Jiraiya-kun."

Jiraiya waved absently at the aging Hokage. Hiruzen Sarutobi had retired once and was back for more after his replacement died.

"Sensei, how did Naruto graduate?" Jiraiya had that serious look, the one he had when he was focused on something other than women. It was rare for him to have that look. In the forty-ish years that Hiruzen had known Jiraiya, he'd only seen it during the wars.

"He learned the _taiju kage bunshin no jutsu_. It wasn't technically a graduation exam, but I figured he has plenty of time to straighten the rest out. You did."

Jiraiya frowned. "I had basic instruction to fall back on. Naruto has… a boatload of stamina, which isn't translating into chakra very well. And he's so hyperactive that he probably can't remember anything from the academy."

The Hokage shrugged. "I can't play favorites."

"You can't?" Jiriaya's lifted one eyebrow. The Hokage didn't move. The Hokage hoped the message was clear, but this was Jiraiya. Jiraiya may have been his favorite student, but he was also his slowest.

Realization dawned on Jiraiya. "But I don't have that problem. I can play favorites as much as I like, can call in favors from whomever I like..."

Hiruzen nodded a fraction of an inch, just enough that Jiraiya wouldn't pick up on it. He was getting old and his body betrayed him again with that nod. He lamented not having the discipline in his body that he'd had even five years prior. He lamented not having the discipline and power he'd had when he was thirty. Jiraiya had aged far better than he had though.

* * *

Naruto looked at the strange man in the onsen (it's like a public bath where you shower before soaking in hot water; there isn't an English translation that works well). He looked like an older, stricter version of that prick, Neji. He also had some sort of weird paint that would last a whole month.

"Hiashi-san, would you mind numbering each of the tenketsu?"

The dignified man didn't interrupt his work, the veins around his eyes still bulging. "Of course, Jiraiya-sama."

Jiraiya watched Hiashi apply henna ink over Naruto's chakra circulatory system, taking special care to put a dot at each of the tenketsu. He numbered them with Arabic numerals instead of Kanji because it would be easier to read all two hundred fifty six points.

Naruto fidgeted.

"Naruto, you have to sit still for at least an hour for the ink to set. If you mess this up, I definitely won't teach you anything. Maybe I'll go teach that Uchiha kid instead, just because you messed this up."

Jiraiya hid his smirk behind a mask of annoyance. He knew he'd pushed just the right buttons to get Naruto to cooperate.

* * *

"So I understand you heal fast. That's good, because we're going to work you into the dirt over and over again for the next month. As your interim sensei, I'll be providing you with nourishing food to replenish your strength and we'll be having sleepover camping by this lovely river here to maximize training time."

Naruto gulped.

"If you're afraid of work, then you should quit. This isn't going to be easy."

Naruto glared, obviously accepting the challenge. Jiraiya was almost annoyed at how easy it was, but then he remembered that Naruto was barely thirteen. Teenagers. He nearly rolled his eyes and wondered if he was this easy when he was that age. Then he wondered if his ego could take the answer to that question and started pushing/punishing Naruto instead.

* * *

Two hundred fifty six Naruto clones stood in a clearing. Each had a tiny piece of paper with a number on it. Each was trying to affix the paper to the corresponding number on the henna design on their bodies. The ones with numbers on the hands and feet were having an easier time than the rest, but they all doggedly kept at it.

* * *

Two hundred fifty six Naruto clones stood on the underside of tree branches in the forest. Each had a tiny piece of paper with a number on it. Each was trying to keep the piece of paper affixed to the corresponding number on their henna tattoos.

* * *

Two hundred fifty six Naruto clones stood on the water. Each had a tiny piece of plastic with a number on it. Each was trying to affix the plastic to the corresponding number on their henna tattoos.

* * *

Two hundred fifty six Naruto clones stood next to a river. Each had a plastic card with a number on it. Each had an eyedropper with water. Each was trying to keep a water droplet affixed to the corresponding number on their henna tattoos. For some reason, performing the _taiju kage bunshin no jutsu_ was much easier every day this week.

* * *

Jiraiya nodded again in satisfaction, his brow furrowed and attention focused intently on Naruto. The blond boy, for his part, was holding a droplet of water on tenketsu point fifty-eight.

"Now to one-forty-three."

Naruto used the eye-dropper to suck up the droplet and placed it on tenketsu point one-forty-three. The tenketsu put out a steady dribble of chakra to keep the droplet from moving.

Jiraiya nodded again in satisfaction.

"Now that remedial training is done, we're moving on to some basic supplemental techniques."

Naruto started to bristle and Jiraiya could foresee an explosion coming.

"If you master these techniques, I'll show you the first step in a technique that's A-rank. If not, I'm sure that Sasuke kid would like to learn it..." Jiraiya almost felt bad for mashing that button to manipulate Naruto. Almost.

"Let's talk about the body-flicker."

* * *

Jiraiya was pleased. Seven days into his training schedule and Naruto was completely caught up with the ninjutsu parts of the academy curriculum. And then some. His taijutsu was… terrible would be harsh, but not inaccurate. The fact was that the boy had no style at all. It was a wonder Naruto didn't break his fists or feet when he hit something.

Still, there was something to be said for mastering the basics instead of training in advanced taijutsu. Now that Naruto's chakra control was somewhere along the lines of jonin-level, he could push the _kage bunshin_ harder. And his taijutsu was, in fact, passable for an academy student.

The problem, of course, was that he was in the finals for the chunin exams. Passable for an academy student simply wouldn't be enough.

"One thousand kage bunshin will each execute five hundred perfect punches. One thousand kage bunshin will watch, one for each of the punching kage bunshin, and make absolutely certain that the punching kage bunshin are making perfect punches. If a single punch is not perfect from any clone, you'll begin the exercise from scratch."

Naruto's mouth hung open.

"If you cheat, you're only cheating yourself. I probably won't be able to tell with that many clones of you, so you're on your honor. But if you can accomplish it… well, you've realized how much better you've gotten at _kage bunshin no jutsu_ after following my instructions last week."

Naruto put his hands into the familiar cross. He didn't even grumble, although his posture was grumbling for him.

* * *

One thousand Naruto clones punched. Each punch was perfect. They had finally gotten five hundred of them perfectly.

* * *

One thousand Naruto clones performed a front kick. Each kick was perfect.

* * *

One thousand Naruto clones performed a hammer fist strike. Each strike was perfect.

* * *

One thousand Naruto clones performed a round kick. Each kick was perfect.

* * *

One thousand Naruto clones performed a knife-hand strike. Each strike was perfect.

* * *

One thousand Naruto clones performed an elbow strike. Each strike was perfect.

* * *

One thousand Naruto clones performed a knee strike. Each strike was perfect.

* * *

Jiraiya and Naruto sparred. Naruto was much better than on that first day. His taijutsu was closer to jonin-level now, without even having a style. That's of course as high as he could get in taijutsu without a style. They were two weeks into training and the progress was remarkable. He didn't need hand signs to use the _shunshin_ or the _kage bunshin no jutsu_. The problem, of course, was that the only thing left that might benefit from massive repetition would be elemental manipulation. Jiraiya only knew the basics of fire and wind. He had never bothered with elemental manipulation because he'd never needed it. He knew the techniques he knew, but repetition there wouldn't help much. Unless...

Jiraiya smirked.

* * *

Twelve hundred Naruto clones were in a field making hand signs. They molded a small amount of chakra, one hundred made each of one of the twelve standard hand signs, and then canceled the chakra.

"Okay. You know what each hand sign feels like when you mold chakra. Time for some practice with elemental techniques. Five clones, one for each element." Jiraiya held up five scrolls, each with a different C-rank elemental technique. Say what you will about the Uchiha Clan, their work had made Konoha's jutsu library comprehensive.

"Why only five, Ero-sennin? Wouldn't making a bunch speed things up?"

Jiraiya shook his head. "If you practice something incorrectly, you'll perform it incorrectly. Do you want to perform it incorrectly in battle?"

Naruto shook his head.

"When you first learn something, you'll be doing it one at a time. When you practice something to ingrain it, you'll do it a thousand at a time. Kage bunshin are pretty bad for discovering how to do one thing. They're good for learning or discovering several things or for things that benefit from repetition. Think about how many punches you've executed perfectly. It's got to be in the millions, right? So that's why when you punch now, even when you're in the heat of battle, it's faster, harder, and better."

"Huh." Naruto was thinking. Which obviously meant he needed to be training his reflexes and body more. Jiraiya started pushing him to react to thrown rocks.

* * *

Two hundred Naruto clones practiced the Katon: Flame Bullet technique. Two hundred clones practiced the Futon: Great Breakthrough technique. Two hundred clones practiced the Raiton: Thunder Strike technique (there isn't a C-rank canon technique that I can find right now, so let's just call this the precursor to the Thunderbolt). Two hundred clones practiced the Doton: Hiding Mole technique. Two hundred clones practiced the Suiton: Water Bullet technique.

During each execution, the clones would focus on how the chakra feels as they mold it.

* * *

"Now you're going to learn the Summoning jutsu."

Naruto looked at Jiraiya. They'd been training for… well, he'd lost track of time. "Oi! Ero-sennin, how much longer until the final stage of the chunin exam?"

Jiraiya cocked his head to the side and frowned. "Oh. That. A little more than a week left."

"You still haven't shown me that A-Rank technique."

"You still aren't ready yet. You can spend the month doing my training and then rip right through learning that one technique. Or you could spend six months trying to get the technique and you'd still suck at everything else."

Naruto grumbled and started to yell, but Jiraiya cut him off.

"Tell me you aren't better now. Go ahead. Lie to me. Tell me training with me has been a waste of your time."

Naruto stopped short and mumbled something about stupid, lecherous adults. Jiraiya couldn't be sure.

"How many hand signs do you require to perform the Katon: Flame Bullet?"

Naruto was still pouting, but he answered, "None."

"And how many hand signs does it take that Uchiha brat to perform his Katon: Great Fireball?"

Naruto shrugged and answered, "A bunch."

"And who do you think will be faster to fire their technique?"

"Me."

"Which is more important when fighting: being able to use a technique or knowing how to use it but being so slow that you have to have an elaborate setup just to pull it off?"

Naruto was still unhappy, but truthfully admitted, "Being able to use it."

"Good. Now shut up and watch the hand signs for Summoning."

Naruto watched and then practiced slowly, evenly performing the hand signs without molding chakra.

"Good. Now practice that five hundred times with one thousand clones, same as taijutsu. When you've done that perfectly, then you'll try executing the technique."

A thousand clones suddenly appeared and began practicing the signs while grumbling.

* * *

Jiraiya stood gobsmacked.

Gamabunta, the largest of the Toads of Mount Myōboku, was looking down at him.

Naruto was standing on Gamabunta's head.

It was Naruto's very first try.

"Oi, Jiraiya-chan. What the hell are you doing down there?"

Jiraiya pointed atop the massive toad's head. The giant toad tried to look, but when he couldn't see, his massive, pierced tongue shot up and wrapped around Naruto.

"What the hell, Jiraiya-chan?"

Naruto struggled and yelled, "Hey! Ero-sennin didn't summon you! I did!"

The giant toad lifted an eyebrow. Well, the skin above his eye socket raised. Toads don't have eyebrows. That would be weird.

"It was my first try, too!"

The giant toad let out a belly laugh and looked down at Jiraiya. "Is he serious?"

Jiraiya was ever so subtly trying to slink away. He froze, turned to face the chief toad, and nodded.

"He's not even old enough to drink!" (How can he enunciate while holding someone with his tongue, one might ask? He's a toad and his tongue is enormous.)

Jiraiya nodded again. All that time he'd spent on the basics. All the effort he'd put into making Naruto get the basics down. And his first try at the Summoning jutsu summoned Gama-motherf#cking-Bunta.

Ridiculously enormous stamina, plus the equivalent of a decade of practice molding chakra, plus several years worth of chakra control exercises equals… this. Jiraiya knew he'd set a path for Naruto to succeed, but this was beyond his wildest imagination.

Naruto and Bunta were loudly arguing about something. Jiraiya wasn't paying attention. He was having second thoughts about handing way too much power over to a teenager that he barely knew. Minato's kid or not, this was just absurd. He needed to think. And maybe have a conversation with his own sensei.

* * *

"Were you watching in that spy ball of yours?"

Jiraiya was in the Hokage's office again, late at night. Naruto had made some bet with Gamabunta over the right to summon him. Naruto had won. Jiraiya left him snoring at the camp site.

The Hokage shook his head.

"He summoned Gamabunta."

"That's –"

"On the first try."

"– What? I must be getting old. Did you say he summoned Gamabunta _on his first try_?"

Jiraiya nodded.

Hiruzen frowned. "How?"

Jiraiya explained the training he'd done.

Hiruzen nodded. "That would do it. That's an extraordinary idea using the _kage bunshin_ like that. Was it yours?"

Jiraiya shook his head. "Kakashi Hatake wrote a note about the possibility of using the technique like that several years ago, but in the note it stated that someone would have to have enormous chakra reserves to be able to pull it off. He ultimately found that he couldn't maintain the technique long enough for it to be worth the strain."

"I wonder why he never mentioned it to Naruto."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Probably because he's a shitty teacher. It's not his fault; most geniuses are shitty teachers. Though there are exceptions," he smirked, "Professor."

"His students have done remarkably though."

"I have no doubt that Kakashi has taught them some things, but the fact is that his team would have been remarkable with anyone. Kakashi taught them the things that _Kakashi_ sucked at when he was their age. Mostly life skills and teamwork. That stuff, he's been pretty good at teaching, honestly."

Hiruzen frowned.

"I'm not badmouthing the man. And his team is… well, they've got the potential to be another Sanin, if I'm honest. I'm just saying that he's not perfect, that there are things he does actually suck at. Hell, I like him. He's one of my biggest fans. He's a great shinobi. He's sharp, he's quick, he's a living library of jutsu."

"Do you have a point?"

"Nothing other than what I've already said. I was just trying to get a better read on Naruto's character. I'm a little concerned that I've advanced him too quickly and that much ability is going to blow up his ego."

Jiraiya looked away before continuing. "I'm terrified I might have created an Orochimaru."

Hiruzen sighed. "I never worried about that."

"What do you mean?"

"I never worried about my students becoming monsters. I just didn't think it was possible."

"Do you have any advice for me, sensei?"

Hiruzen rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I created the first Orochimaru. I don't think my advice is all that credible. However, for what it's worth, Naruto doesn't remind me of Orochimaru in any way. He reminds me of you. Just less focused on women, and more focused on ramen and becoming Hokage."

* * *

"Here's the deal: we don't have time to do everything that I wanted to do before the finals."

Naruto looked crestfallen.

"I promised you an A-rank jutsu and I'm going to teach you an A-ranked jutsu, one way or another. You just have to decide if it's more important for you to start learning that jutsu or to be prepared for the final."

Naruto looked thoughtful, pensive even. And then he grumbled out his answer. "I should be prepared for the final."

Jiraiya smiled. "Great! So, your last bit of training from me is this: find out everything you can about each of the other competitors. I know you have stealth skills, so use them. You have five days left."

Naruto suspicious. "Are you sure you aren't trying to weasel out and spy on the baths?"

"I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a factor. But you've progressed beyond my wildest imagination. You really do need to know what you're facing though. But if you can explain to me why it's more important to learn or even master one more jutsu instead of knowing what your competition can do, I'll happily avoid the ladies and teach you another jutsu."

Naruto frowned. Debate was not his specialty. Logical reasoning wasn't either. With a huff, he turned away.

"Fine. I'm going."

Jiraiya smiled. He already liked Naruto. He would give him an exercise to figure out the first part of the rasengan after the exams.

"Don't shirk practicing your chakra control just because you've already spent so much time on it, either. You can always benefit from more control."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Lots of breaks in this chapter. It's not my favorite, but I enjoyed writing the fights. I also tried to inject some humor. Did it work?

* * *

Naruto stood in the center of the arena across from Neji. The proctor signaled for the boys to begin. Naruto put his fist out in front of him.

"I feel bad for you, but what you did to Hinata…" He shook his head and then glared hard at Neji. "I'm going to kick your ass."

Neji chortled. "What do you know about the Hyūga?"

"Two families comprise the clan: Main and Branch. The Main line has all the power while the Branch line has a special seal placed on them when they're young. The seal will protect the Byakugan from falling into enemy hands, but it also allows the Main line to punish and control the Branch line. I had to look up the word for the two of us meeting like this. Ero-sennin wouldn't tell me, the prick."

"What?"

"Irony. The word is 'irony.' You have a seal that was placed on you that has determined a large part of your life. It's ironic that we're facing each other. Ero-sennin explained it better."

"Your fate was –"

"F#ck fate. Fate is an excuse for losers. You might be a genius, but you're also a loser."

"Don't discount fate. It was my fate to blah blah blah..."

Naruto stopped paying attention. Neji clearly needed to get that crap off his chest. Naruto decided he'd let Neji talk it out for a while before dismantling him.

"You done whining? 'Cause I'm gonna beat you senseless, dattabayo."

Naruto molded chakra and disappeared from view. He slammed a side kick into Neji, sending the older boy flying across the arena. Naruto molded more chakra and disappeared again before reappearing and slamming a brutal double hammer-fist into Neji.

Neji hit the ground with a bounce and a crack.

"Get. Up."

Neji rolled to his hands and knees, pulling himself up. He glared at Naruto as he stood. Naruto barely let him finish standing and rapidly slammed his left elbow into Neji's ribs, his right elbow into his collar, and then his left hand shot out grabbing Neji's shirt and pulling him closer as Naruto's right knee shot up into Neji's gut. Naruto extended his right leg and pushed Neji away with the force of combining the strike with a shunshin.

Neji flew through the air, his breathing choked and gasping. This wasn't a fight anymore, it was a humiliation. Still, his pride would not let him quit. He rolled to a stop and began the struggle back to his feet.

Naruto waited for Neji to get up. He watched Neji struggle and gasp and cough blood. He made four clones without the hand sign. They all nodded together and the chakra they needed for the techniques they would use was ready instantly.

Katon: Flame Bullet. Raiton: Thunder Strike. Suiton: Water Bullet. Futon: Great Breakthrough.

Each technique flew wide of Neji, landing against the arena wall. Neji's Byakugan could see the wall behind him. The techniques' striking the wall made a smiley face with a tongue sticking out and a thumb's up on the wall. Four Narutos stood with smirks.

Neji raised one hand while holding his excruciating ribs. He saw a hand coming out of the ground under him. "I forfeit."

The hand stopped and Naruto climbed out of the ground, canceling his Doton: Hiding Mole jutsu.

The crowd was cheering and Naruto was embarrassed, but pleased. He waved to the crowd as medics rushed out to carry Neji off the arena floor. He turned to Neji.

"Thanks for the match, Neji!"

oOo

Shikamaru watched as Naruto systematically destroyed Neji. Whatever training Naruto had done had made him far and away better at fighting. There wasn't even a strategy to what he was doing: this was overwhelming with sheer brute force.

And then he unleashed four different elemental techniques _without hand signs_. Naruto's chakra control was not that good. Wait, that hand under Neji makes five different elements. Shikamaru paid very close attention to the blond boy.

oOo

Naruto bounced his way back up to the competitors' box. That win was fast. He knew he'd improved, but he could barely land any hits on Jiraiya and Jiraiya seemed to shrug everything off.

Maybe the creepy old perv really was a great ninja…

oOo

Naruto started talking about what kind of ramen he wanted from Ichiraku Ramen after the tournament, having a sort of debate with himself on the merits of each. That was the clincher for Shikamaru: there was no way anyone would be able to fake everything about Naruto's personality. It was more likely that Naruto, the dead-last, the worst student in the history of the academy, had rapidly improved to the point where defeating Neji was as easy for him as it probably was for their jonin-instructors.

"Troublesome."

"Eh, Shikamaru?"

"How did you improve so much this last month?"

"Training!"

"Much too troublesome."

"Relax, Shikamaru! It looks like you're up next!"

Shikamaru felt a slap on his back and he tumbled over the railing onto the arena floor before he could forfeit. Naruto was shouting encouragement and he could already feel a glare from somewhere in the stands. He closed his eyes and heaved a heavy sigh.

"Troublesome."

oOo

Naruto watched as Shikamaru out-thought his opponent. He was especially interested in the wind techniques that Temari was using.

He managed to gather some information about Gaara, namely that he was a jinchuriki, but the chance encounter at the hospital hardly counted as information gathering. And Shikamaru probably figured out about the kyūbi, but he was super smart.

Temari and Kankuro didn't leave their hotel and there were other, easier targets to assess. Besides, Temari obviously used wind techniques with the fan and whatnot and Kankuro used puppets. That was good enough.

Sasuke was practicing on top of a plateau with Kakashi-sensei, probably messing around with sharingan techniques. Shikamaru had drilled with his team and hadn't really trained. Shino did stuff with bugs, like his clan. He'd read up on Nara and Aburame clan techniques so he had a good grasp of the kind of stuff that meant. Naruto involuntarily shuddered at the thought of so much reading. So boring!

The library alluded to the fact that the sharingan wasn't good enough at seeing chakra to copy techniques without hand signs, so he was confident that Sasuke wouldn't copy any of his techniques. But that didn't mean he wouldn't be able to counter them or have new techniques of his own.

Shikamaru forfeited!

"Why would you forfeit?!"

Shikamaru shrugged. "I don't have enough chakra left to finish the fight. There's no point in continuing."

oOo

Sasuke and Kakashi made a dramatic entrance. They were very late. Kakashi secretly hoped that Sasuke would be disqualified and wouldn't have to fight Gaara. Sasuke wasn't ready for promotion anyway. Impressing everyone with Sasuke's combat prowess wasn't a priority for the village as it might have been in the past. So many rookie genin made it to the final that one particular boy's performance, no matter how good, wouldn't matter.

Keeping Sasuke alive was a priority for Kakashi. He'd trained the boy, given him the best chance he could. But Gaara was obviously mentally unstable and far more powerful.

He had to fake his relief that Sasuke would have to fight. Of course they made special allowances for Sasuke. Everyone was interested in the last Uchiha. He still wasn't getting promoted to chunin. Hell, after that flashy arrival there was _no way_ the Hokage would promote him from the exam. Field promotions were always a possibility, but Kakashi doubted that would happen either.

Sasuke was just too obsessed with personal power, with being strong enough to kill Itachi. But it looked like Sasuke would be fighting Gaara after all. Oh well. He tried.

oOo

Naruto and Shikamaru raced to find someone, anyone who could stop the fight. Gaara had just killed two men in the stadium before heading out to fight Sasuke. Gaara would have no problem crushing Sasuke to death.

Naruto watched Sasuke move just like Lee had and paled. That wouldn't work against Gaara. It already hadn't worked. Then Shikamaru spotted Kakashi-sensei and elbowed Naruto.

"Kakashi-sensei! You've got to stop the fight!"

Kakashi looked back at Naruto and smiled. He couldn't stop the fight and he knew it. "Maa, why so worried? Don't you think I prepared Sasuke for this? I watched the preliminaries as well, you know."

Naruto stopped. "Well, it's not that."

Kakashi waved. "Then don't worry about it. Just watch."

oOo

Sasuke ran up the wall and his hands flashed through signs. Lightning chakra erupted from his hand and he ran at incredible speeds toward the orb of sand in which Gaara was hiding.

"You taught him that jutsu?" Gai looked at Kakashi with an eyebrow quirked.

"I'm not sure you're in any position to lecture me about what techniques to teach. Isn't that right, Lee?"

Gai just grunted and Lee was confused.

Naruto started to feel sleepy and drifted to the ground.

oOo

Naruto woke up to Sakura shaking him awake. He picked himself up and rubbed his eyes.

"Wha happened?"

"Genjutsu, idiot."

Sakura moved to wake Shikamaru, but Shikamaru just turned as she reached out and said, "Don't waste the chakra." He may have also mumbled, "Troublesome." The world will never know for certain.

Kakashi jumped in front of the three. "You have a mission. It's A-rank. Track Gaara and Sasuke. Provide Sasuke with backup. Shikamaru, you're team leader. This here is Pakkun. He'll follow their scents."

Pakkun was a pug wearing a leaf hitai-ite and a blue vest. Pugs are ugly, I don't care how you dress them up. If Pakkun wasn't able to speak, I would call his attire stupid and his owner an a$$hole. I have strong feelings about dressing up animals. Pakkun obviously likes his clothes and doesn't mind being a pug, so whatever.

Gai jumped down and smashed a Sand shinobi into the wall, opening a hole.

"Go!"

The four jumped out and sped across the treeline, leaping from branch to branch. Shikamaru turned to Naruto.

"How fast can you go?"

"Much faster."

"This is as fast as I can go and still have chakra to fight. I'm still pretty drained from my fight. Sakura?"

"I can keep this pace."

"Pakkun?"

"This pace is fine."

Before long, Pakkun stopped and told the three young ninjas that they were being followed.

Shikamaru frowned. "How many?"

"I thought it was eight, but it's actually nine."

"Okay. You and Sakura go ahead. Mark your path so we can catch up. Naruto and I will ambush them. Between the two of us, we'll be able to take care of them."

Sakura asked, "Are you sure?"

Shikamaru nodded. "Naruto is an assault specialist. My techniques work best with an assault specialist. We should be able to catch up quickly. But if we let them catch all of us, then we'll be hard-pressed to deal with them and catch up to Sasuke. We might not even survive in that case. Go."

Sakura and Pakkun sped off, leaving Naruto and Shikamaru.

"Here's what we're going to do..."

oOo

A group of eight Sound Ninja dropped down onto the forest floor. One of them disarmed a ninja wire trap with a kunai. Another looked around, tracking footprints behind a bush. They all froze, one of them stuttering out, "I c-can't m-move!"

Eight blonds wearing orange jumpsuits shot out of the bushes with weapons already drawn. The last thing the group heard was a quiet mutter of, "The first move is always a bluff," coming from the forest.

After the eight hit the ground, their shadows retracted to some shrubs next to the trunk of a tree. The Narutos were all still cheering in the clearing when a ninth Sound Ninja struck two of Naruto's clones, dispelling them in puffs of chakra smoke. Before the Sound Ninja could hit any more clones, he was unable to move.

"That worked great, dattebayo! He totally thought I was alone!"

"Drop him quickly. We still have to catch up to Sakura and Pakkun."

"Oh, right." The remaining six clones beat the man. He may have died. Or not. Who knows? T&I isn't saying one way or the other.

Shikamaru reached into his pouch and pulled out a soldier pill. He eyed it warily, but then shrugged and tossed it into his mouth. He and Naruto jumped into the trees and raced to catch up with Sakura and Pakkun.

They followed a trail of marked trees. Sakura had obviously taken a kunai and slashed the bark as she passed, pausing only long enough before she pushed off again to make a crescent cut. Soon they could hear shouts and rumbling and the cracks and clangs of combat.

Shikamaru held Naruto back to assess the battle. Sakura was carrying Sasuke, who was covered in black curse marks, and dodging a strange creature made of sand.

"Troublesome."


	3. Chapter 3

Mission Report

Given Name: Naruto

Family Name: Uzumaki

Ninja ID: 012607

Description: Kakashi-sensei assigned me, Sakura-chan, and Shikamaru to help Sasuke. We went out with Kakashi-sensei's tracking dog. Me and Shikamaru stopped to ambush some guys. We totally kicked their asses! We caught up with Sakura and Sasuke and Gaara and Gaara's sister (the girl with the fan). Gaara was going crazy and he started using huge amounts of sand. So I summoned Gamabunta and we totally kicked his ass too! We were all pretty wiped out after that and Gaara's sister didn't look like she was up for a fight so we let her take Gaara home. I don't get why we did that, but Shikamaru was in charge and he said it was okay. And Sasuke has chakra exhaustion, but [REDACTED BY JIRAIYA]. And Sakura-chan has some broken ribs or something (they wouldn't tell me what was wrong with her so I hope she'll be okay).

* * *

Mission Report

Given Name: Shikamaru

Family Name: Nara

Ninja ID: 012611

Description: Jonin Hatake assigned Pakun, Haruno Sakura, and Uzumaki Naruto led by Nara Shikamaru to assist Uchiha Sasuke in the defeat of Sabaku no Gaara. Gaara is the jinchuriki of the ichibi, Shukaku the Sand Spirit. Uzumaki Naruto was responsible for the defeat of nine Sound-nin and Gaara. He should be a Tokubetsu Jonin for his assault specialty. I strategized, he employed tactics. Haruno Sakura left a trail of markings so that Naruto and I could catch up after Naruto dealt with the Sound-nin tail. Uchiha and Nara exhausted their remaining chakra while Uzumaki summoned a giant toad and continued the fight. [REDACTED BY JIRAIYA] We let Temari take Gaara as a gesture of goodwill.

* * *

Mission Report

Given Name: Sakura

Family Name: Haruno

Ninja ID: 012601

Description: Jonin Hatake Kakashi assigned myself, Genin Uzumaki Naruto (012607), Genin Nara Shikamaru (012611), and his tracking dog Pakun (rank unknown, Ninja ID unknown) to assist Genin Uchiha Sasuke (012606) in the defeat of Sabaku no Gaara (Suna-nin, 56-001). Pakun notified Nara Shikamaru of an enemy tracking unit. Nara Shikamaru took Uzumaki Naruto to neutralize the enemy tracking unit. Pakun and I continued to track Sabaku no Gaara and Uchiha Sasuke. I left markers on trees along the way so that Nara Shikamaru and Uzumaki Naruto could catch up.

When Pakun and I caught up to Gaara and Sasuke, Gaara was just starting to engage with Sasuke. I attempted to distract Gaara, but was caught in his sand. I watched Sasuke and Gaara fight until Nara Shikamaru and Uzumaki Naruto arrived. The sand pinning me to a tree constricted and I passed out. I woke up in the hospital.

* * *

Mission Report

Given Name: Sasuke

Family Name: Uchiha

Ninja ID: 012606

Description: Hatake Kakashi sent me after Gaara. I could not defeat Gaara. Naruto defeated Gaara. I require more training.

oOo

"Ero-sennin is taking me on a mission."

"Hn."

"You have chakra exhaustion. Sakura got hurt too. Everyone else is doing D-ranks to help recover from the invasion."

"Hn."

"I don't know why he's taking me. But it's gotta be more exciting than fixing broken fences."

"Hn."

"I wish you could come too. We have to find some old lady who used to be a ninja."

"Hn."

"See ya later."

oOo

"I still don't understand how to do this, Ero-sennin."

Jiraiya sighed. Naruto held a water balloon in his hand.

"You have to figure stuff out on your own, kid. It's a life-skill."

"Of course," Naruto grumbled. "Why would anyone ever explain anything to me."

"Eh?"

"Nothing! I'll figure it out. Just wait and see!"

"When was the last time anyone explained something to you? The Academy?"

"Umm. Well..."

"Spit it out."

"Iruka-sensei had all of these boring lectures that never made sense and Mizuki-teme never made sense either. I've always just figured stuff out on my own."

"Sit down, kid. I'll be right back."

Naruto sat down and Jiraiya leapt away. Naruto heard some crashing and some explosions. Jiraiya leapt back.

"Okay. We're going to stop this jutsu training and go back to basics."

"What? Why?!"

"I assumed that as a genin you had the basics down. It turns out you're completely self-taught, which is downright amazing, when I think about it. You really want to learn cool jutsu, but you'll never learn them without the basics. And I'm not talking about the jutsu the Academy uses to test you. I'm going to give you a subject and you're going to explain it to me. If you don't know it, I'm going to explain it to you until you do. THEN we'll go back to this."

"But it's so BORING."

Jiraiya ignored the whining with a wave of his hand. "Explain how you mold chakra."

Naruto sighed. "I dunno. I started by making the sign with my hands. That helped me feel it. Now I just kind of focus on my tenketsu and it goes SWISH! And then I have chakra."

Jiraiya blinked. "That is the least useful description I've ever heard."

"Hey! That's what happens!"

"I don't doubt it, kid. Do you know why it goes SWISH?"

Naruto frowned. Jiraiya waited.

"Is it because that's the physical and spiritual stuff mixing up?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"Asking."

"Basically. You are mixing your spiritual and physical energy. Do you know in which direction you're mixing it?"

"What do you mean?"

"When people mix their spiritual and physical energies, they unconsciously do so in a direction. Clockwise or counter-clockwise."

"Oh. How do I tell the difference?"

"You won't be able to unless you do some pretty advanced chakra control exercises, but let's move on. I need to know what you know so I can fill in the gaps."

"Then you'll teach me that cool jutsu, right?"

Jiraiya sighed. "Yes. Then I'll teach you that cool jutsu. But you'll have to figure most of it out on your own."

oOo

Jiraiya looked on as Naruto grunted and screamed. The boy's hand held a blue sphere of spiraling chakra, but the balloon was in pieces. Jiraiya had expected the second stage of the technique to be more difficult for Naruto, but here he was teaching Naruto the third part after only a few days. The first took some time, but apparently Naruto was inspired by a cat or something and he figured it out.

Jiraiya watched as the balloon burst in Naruto's hands.

"You'll have to figure it out on the way. Tsunade won't wait around in one spot long."

"Dammit, Ero-sennin! I almost had it!"

Jiraiya muttered, "Keep tellin' yourself that, kid," under his breath.

oOo

Naruto sat in a booth in a diner across from a blond woman in her twenties. Early twenties. But she was as old as Jiraiya at least. And she had obscenely large breasts. The kind that can't possibly be real.

"How come you're using a henge to look young? Isn't that like lying?"

A vein on the woman, Tsunade's, forehead started pulsing, but she ignored him. "Who is this brat, Jiraiya?"

"Don't ignore me!"

"He's my apprentice. Look, this isn't a request. The Jonin Council wants you."

"Pfeh. Send the assassins. I'm not going back. Especially not to be Hokage."

"What do you mean 'to be Hokage?'"

"You know they aren't going to send assassins. The old bastards are more devious than that. They'll go after your debts or something."

"They can't make me be Hokage."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'TO BE HOKAGE?'"

"Only an idiot would want to be Hokage. You've wasted your time."

Naruto leapt over the table and got nose to nose with Tsunade, shouting, "DON'T INSULT THE HOKAGE!"

"Hokage is a title reserved for fools. It's a thankless job that only ends in death. Every single Hokage has died in office."

"LET GO, ERO-SENNIN! I'M GONNA TO KICK THIS STUPID OLD BAT'S ASS, 'DATTEBAYO!"

Tsunade laughed. "If you're so sure, let's take this outside. I'm sure you want to avoid property damage. Wouldn't want to have to pay on a genin's wages, would you?"

Tsunade walked out. In Jiraiya's mind, she sauntered, but every woman saunters when Jiraiya's writing about it. Sauntering is just sexier than walking, really.

Naruto charged out and squared off down the street from Tsunade. Tsunade held up one finger.

"This is all I'll need to take you out, brat."

Naruto ran headlong at the woman, but she sidestepped his charge and flicked him in the forehead at just the right angle to both send Naruto flying and slip his headband off. Naruto crashed into a fence that sectioned off an alley, while the metal of his headband clanged against the ground.

Naruto stood up from the rubble and cracked his neck while he balled his hands into fists and cracked his knuckles. "Okay. I guess I should have taken you seriously."

Naruto disappeared in a shunshin and Tsunade spun with her finger out. "You're not Shisui," she sang as Naruto went flying again. "And I'm no genin."

Naruto might have considered the question: who is Shisui? Had he been in the mindset to be curious and not getting his ass kicked up and down the street. And alleys. And those poor, defenseless fences. Naruto stood up from the rubble of a trash pile. His tongue ran across his teeth and he spat blood. Tsunade flinched and started breathing heavily. Naruto didn't notice. He charged again.

This time Tsunade hopped over the charging boy and flicked him on the ass like she was a matador and Naruto a charging bull.

Naruto was already overbalanced from missing his target, so the extra kinetic energy from the flick to his hindquarters caused him to trip and skid down the dirt road. Only to disappear in a puff of smoke.

Tsunade felt the hands trying to wrap around her ankles in plenty of time to jump away. She watched the boy climb up out of the ground where she'd been standing. She watched an identical copy of the boy appear to his right. Her eyes widened when they spat a blast of air and fire simultaneously and she dodged out of range of the conflagration.

When katon (fire) and futon (wind) techniques work together, they amplify their destructive power exponentially. Nobody was surprised more than Naruto who hadn't actually tried the combination before. He looked down the street with his clone as the fireball dissipated and both let out a low, "Whoa."

The sides of buildings, brick buildings not wood, were scorched. Canvas awnings were reduced to ash. Small chunks of wood that might have once been fruit stands or something similar were smoldering. For nearly fifty feet down the street.

Tsunade appeared in front of them and slammed into the one that she really thought must have been the original. It turned to smoke as the other disappeared in a swirl of burning embers (there weren't any leaves and there were plenty of embers; seriously, look up shunshin).

Naruto put up his hands and crossed his forearms. "Stop! If we're going to fight, I think we should go someplace more deserted. Someone could get hurt."

Tsunade looked down at the boy and remembered watching another blond boy do something similar when a red-haired girl was trying to beat him up like twenty or thirty years prior. The blond in her memory looked remarkably like the boy in front of her. She bent over to pick up the blond boy's headband.

"Sure. I'm keeping this though. If you manage to force me to use more than my finger, you can have it back."

Naruto glowered. It was his best I'm-Sasuke-and-I-don't-approve-of-you look, honed over many months of working together. Totally not what he did behind Sasuke's back to make fun of him. "Where and when?"

"There's a castle here in town. It looks out over open fields. We'll meet in those fields in a week."

Naruto nodded. A week to prepare to fight Ero-sennin's old friend. Or ex-girlfriend. Or whatever. Naruto hadn't paid any attention to that part.

Naruto had a plan to fight her though!

oOo

Naruto sat on the ground, a frown marring his face. "How can I do both at once?"

He created a shadow clone. The shadow clone began molding chakra for the katon jutsu he knew. He molded chakra for the futon jutsu he knew. They unleashed their techniques together causing a conflagration.

"There's no way it's that easy..."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I'll handle power, you handle control."

He held his hand out and blue chakra spiraled into a ball in his hand. The clone held his hands over the ball.

"Ready?"

The clone nodded and pulled its hands away. Naruto ground the ball into the tree nearby. Just like Jiraiya's example, the sphere ate away at the tree.

"So..."

"… we have to practice doing both until we can do them both without thinking."

"Until they become so ingrained that we can do both _at the same time_."

The clone turned into a puff of smoke. Naruto put his hands into the crossed fingered sign for shadow clones and slowly focused. He created one thousand clones.

"You know what to do!"

Naruto took out a stick and began drawing what he remembered of his fight with Tsunade in the dirt.

By the next morning, Naruto was ready to try the rasengan again. He held the balloon and let the chakra spin out into a sphere while containing it within the skin of the balloon. He created one thousand clones and they all practiced with their own balloons. Naruto went over his dirt sketches and his memory of the fight. Tsunade had given him time to prepare. She was either supremely confident in herself or supremely unimpressed with him. Naruto wasn't sure which would be easier to exploit.

The third day saw Naruto thinking again. He created two hundred fifty six shadow clones. "Line up and count off. That's the tenketsu you're going to work on." After the clones counted off, they began creating a rasengan at their designated tenketsu. Naruto wouldn't soon forget which number went with which tenketsu after his training before the finals. He thought about which of the five elemental techniques were the easiest. Futon. Wind. He remembered Jiraiya telling him that he needed to experiment with what he knew. He needed to figure out how to do new things.

Naruto molded the chakra into the futon technique. It worked exactly as it was supposed to work.

Naruto slowly went through the hand signs for the technique, adding one more into the mix, as he molded chakra. He released the chakra into the technique. It came out wrong. The wind was weak, barely a breeze. However, the ground in front of him had a slice in it. Naruto picked up a stick and drew a grid. The grid was twelve rows and six columns. Twelve standard shinobi hand signs. Five hand signs for futon: great breakthrough. One new hand sign.

Naruto spent the day trying each iteration of the technique. He learned that the first few signs were what transformed the molded chakra into elemental chakra. If he started with certain hand signs instead of tiger or ox the chakra tried to do something weird, he couldn't control it, and the technique failed. The fourth day was the first Naruto didn't summon hordes of shadow clones. He had to figure something out and clones were copies of him. They wouldn't come up with anything any faster than he would. They would be a waste of chakra. He needed a way to expand his awareness, something to mitigate the tunnel-vision that accompanied the shunshin. It was just too bad he couldn't see through his clones' eyes.

oOo

Tsunade was waiting at the hilltop. She'd watched Naruto train with his shadow clones. She was honestly impressed with the progress he'd made. To go from a half-formed rasengan to casual mastery in a single day was impressive. Being able to make one at any tenketsu was bordering on absurd. Who would ever need to create a rasengan on their forehead? How was that a good idea? A rasengan headbutt? Was he planning on fighting while hog-tied or something?

Sure, he could get captured and then he'd have a jutsu he could perform even strapped down to a torture chair, so maybe it had _some_ validity. She begrudgingly lifted her evaluation of the kid up a notch in her head. The loud little shit would still have to prove he wasn't so hotheaded he'd get himself killed in the next war. There was _always_ a next war.

Orochimaru chuckled at her. ' _Why was he so damned_ creepy _? Was he trying to be or is it just how he is now? Wasn't he cool when we were kids? What happened to that? Jiraiya is still a perv, but Orochimaru went from cool to creepy.'_

 _'Oh, and look at that. An assistant. Big glasses too. Very precise movements. Maybe the kid is a medical specialist._ ' Tsunade realized she didn't care.

"Have you made a decision?"

Tsunade nodded. Orochimaru smiled. Tsunade didn't.

"Is that how it's going to be, Tsunade? You're refusing me?"

"Yeah. I'll admit: your offer was tempting. Bringing my brother and lover back from the dead was a good offer. I might have even gone for it."

"You doubt I can do it?"

Tsunade shook her head. "I love them. I don't love them so much that I'd sacrifice anything to see them again. I'm grieving, not insane."

Orochimaru cocked his head to the kid. "Disable her. I need her alive, whether she's willing or not is irrelevant."

 **A/N:** A reader might be wondering, "Why doesn't this mean, nasty, awful author update more? So cruel!" Well, to that I say, "Suck it up. I'll update when I update and you'll like it." See? I'm just like every other fanfic author, only honest.


	4. Chapter 4

The castle was already ruined. Pockets of earth had been churned up all over the place. The pockets formed a trail that Naruto could see going down the hill. He could even hear the occasional explosion, although there weren't many.

He was supposed to fight Tsunade fucking Senju. Jiraiya was passed out and wouldn't wake up, but he was breathing and drooling and occasionally he'd awkwardly hump the pillow he was squeezing. Naruto shook the thought out. Two out of three legends in town. What could possibly go wrong?

000

Tsunade was trembling and getting literally stomped by that Kabuto guy. Orochimaru was smiling all creepy-like and watching. Naruto was hiding behind some rubble, making a stealthy approach. Stealth was always his best skill.

One might ask, "How can he be stealthy while wearing eye-searing orange?" Naruto would be the first to tell such a person that stealth techniques don't rely on clothing, but on knowing how not to be noticed. A simple camouflage cloak is usually all it takes to hide from people. A henge works to blend in to a crowd. And so on.

Highly skilled sensors are obviously an issue, but hiding from them depends on keeping their attention elsewhere. Street magicians know all about keeping someone's focus. Give the audience something else to look at and you can slip a card into your pocket or theirs. Same principle with stealth.

So Naruto watched and thought, thinking out tactics that didn't involve charging in. He'd fought Orochimaru in the Forest of Death and Naruto was self-aware enough to know that power against power would be a loss for him against Orochimaru.

000

Kabuto caught the glint of metal in plenty of time to pull a kunai of his own out and block. The incoming kunai was fast, but he was faster. A medical specialist ought to be and Kabuto was a very skilled medical specialist.

When the kunai released a cloud of smoke just after he deflected it, Kabuto went to bend out of the way of whatever the kunai really was.

The orange jumpsuit he caught sight of made him pause and smirk.

And then there was something on Naruto's foot that made him wish he hadn't paused. The boy's left foot was coming into a fast arc that would definitely hit Kabuto's right side. To top it off, a blue sphere of spiraling chakra was on top of the foot.

Kabuto engaged his healing technique immediately, foregoing the dodge he wasn't going to complete anyway. The chakra sphere hit and started grinding away at him. It hit so hard that Kabuto was flung several meters away and slid over the soft earth. And it hurt on top of everything.

000

Orochimaru jumped as a hand reached up from the ground beneath his feet.

"Kukukuku..."

Orochimaru had hopped away from the hand. A single kunai multiplied into dozens in the corner of his eye, flying at the airborne Sanin. The pale man regurgitated a sword and gripped it in a coil of his tongue. His arms were hanging at his sides, wrapped in bandages. The sword spun in the air, swatting the dozens of kunai.

Orochimaru landed with a slide. He saw his assistant, the grey-haired, bespectacled young man, sliding over the soft earth. He immediately thought of seventeen ninjutsu that would easily end the fight. All of them required the one thing he was currently without: hands.

000

Naruto was shocked when Kabuto stood up and pushed his glasses back up his nose. Naruto was sure he'd hit the young man squarely and at full power with the rasengan.

"Tsunade, you need to get up!"

Orochimaru's tongue danced with the sword and flew at Naruto, but Naruto was already slipping into the earth beneath him as the sword flicked and cut through the space he'd just been in. Naruto moved through the earth and spawned clones as he went.

The clones began lifting themselves up out of the earth and each one met it's end to the blade Orochimaru was wielding with _his tongue_.

 _'How do I win?'_

Naruto kept moving and spawning clones as he went. He'd eventually run out of chakra, but it would at least buy him time to think.

 _'What is my objective?'_

That was a much better question. Sure, kicking Orochimaru's ass would be awesome, but Naruto had been so completely outclassed by the legend back in the Forest of Death that he held little hope that his training since then put him in that class.

 _'Save Tsunade. Okay. That's something I can do. Grab her and run. Keep Orochimaru and Kabuto distracted while I leave.'_

000

The clones leaping from the earth seemed endless. The kyūbi brat just had too much chakra. He might have been an excellent host if he wasn't already a jinchūriki; that just wasn't compatible with Orochimaru's technique.

And now they were flinging kunai from the earth blindly.

 _'What is that idiot trying to accomplish?'_

Kabuto was having trouble now that they were starting to apply **Kage Kunai Bunshin** to the projectiles. Orochimaru rolled his eyes and stepped in. Kabuto was necessary and he was visibly limping from that **Rasengan** he'd taken earlier.

 _'Damn Jiraiya for teaching the brat that technique!'_

The kunai just kept coming and multiplying. Orochimaru and Kabuto weren't at their best, but this technique was getting annoying. Orochimaru stopped protecting Kabuto with his sword and focused on his chakra.

 **Rashōmon** was difficult without hand signs, but not impossible. Orochimaru needed a split second of peace to end this farce of a battle. Behind the wall of the **Rashōmon** , three mud piles built up from the ground, finally taking the form of Orochimaru. Two leapt over the Rashōmon wall and began tearing up the ground while Orochimaru and the third mud clone began ripping into the earth on his side of the barrier.

The kunai barriage lessened and finally stopped. The mud clones were turning to puddles of mud, which was impressive, and Tsunade was gone. Orochimaru closed his eyes and swallowed his sword. He reached out with his senses to search for the familiar chakra of his ex-teammate, but it was beyond his ability to sense.

"Kabuto. We're done here."

Orochimaru's face was calm and composed, but Kabuto could feel the killing intent rolling off the legend. Kabuto schooled his expression and calmly followed.

000

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So you distracted him with hundreds of kunai and took Tsunade underground to escape? Brilliant, kid! I knew you had it in you."

"But Orochimaru got away! I wasn't strong enough to face him." Naruto turned and continued pouting.

"BWAHAHAHA! Only you, kid. Only you." Jiraiya shook his head and put a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "We are legends of the Shinobi world. Legends. Do you understand? You got one over on a legend. Don't belittle that."

Naruto shrugged Jiraiya's hand off and muttered, "I got one over on Old Man Hokage too, but that doesn't mean I could've beaten him."

"You got one over on Sarutobi-sensei? How'd you manage that?!"

"Oiroke no jutsu."

"That transformation where you look like a naked girl?"

Naruto nodded.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Tsunade's head peaked over the back of the booth. Her eye was twitching. "What's this technique you're talking about that involves naked girls?"

"It's my first original technique, designed to knock out perverts."

"And how do you know what naked girls look like?" Tsunade's eye was twitching rapidly. Jiraiya slunk away while Tsunade's focus was elsewhere.

"Magazines."

Tsunade's face relaxed, her head tilted, and her brow furrowed. "Magazines?"

"Yeah. Magazines. They sell them all over. Even the ones that say, 'Adults Only,' are easy to get. Just henge into someone older and fork over the cash. I've seen a TON of older shinobi trying to be discreet about buying them, so I figured I would see what all the fuss was about. I don't really get it, to be honest, but the technique really packs a wallop."

Naruto shrugged. Tsunade was so confused that she didn't notice Naruto leave. Nor did she notice he was wearing his hitai-ite.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Shut. Up."

"The kid's just doing what it takes to win. You know as well as I do that perverts exist and nothing you do short of genocide is gonna change it. He's taking advantage of perverts, not girls."

Tsunade's eye twitched.

Jiraiya turned away from Tsunade, tucking his lips into his mouth and holding his breath. By the time he made it to the street, he couldn't hold it in anymore and started howling with laughter as he bravely ran away.

Tsunade looked at the cup then over to the bottle on her table. She picked up the bottle and flicked the cup across the room, which smashed against the wall less than two feet from the poor waiter.

"Another bottle!"

000

"How could I have won?"

Jiraiya was laying in bed, more than a little drunk.

"Be me. Or Hanzo. Or Sarutobi-sensei."

The kid was getting annoying, not least of which because he was improving so drastically. Seriously: how the fuck could he have failed the academy? Minato was a genius and he hadn't improved like this. Then again, Minato was a visual learner, not a kinesthetic learner. Maybe Naruto was a kinesthetic genius and nobody ever noticed because that's just not something anyone ever looks at.

"Be serious, Ero-sennin! I want to know what I could have done to beat Orochimaru."

Jiraiya sighed. "I dunno. If I'd been there we might have been able to take him together. You said he was using his sword with his tongue, right?"

Naruto nodded. Jiraiya's eyes were shut.

"YES! WAKE UP!"

Jiraiya jumped up, quickly spun around, and quickly fell on the bed. "I AM UP! I was thinking!"

"He was using his tongue to wield that sword. Focus, Ero-senin."

"He probably couldn't use his arms. That makes you about even in ninjutsu since your abilities are all with things that don't require hand signs. He has maybe three quarters your chakra capacity, but near-perfect chakra control. But he's always relied on hand signs because he likes learning new jutsus, but can rarely be bothered to perfect them to the point that he doesn't need hand signs. His signing speed was always ridiculous and he could do them one-handed, so it never mattered before. But if Sarutobi-sensei wrecked his arms somehow, that would explain that. And why he came to Tsunade-hime, for that matter..."

"You're rambling. How could I have won?"

"His taijutsu would destroy you and he's proficient in genjutsu. He's immune to most poisons and uses senjutsu when it suits him. Improve your taijutsu, ninjutsu, genjutsu, and learn senjutsu. Or work with others. Teamwork is awesome."

Jiraiya promptly passed out and began snoring loudly. Naruto jumped on the older man, but Jiraiya's hand grabbed Naruto's ankle and Naruto whipped through the air and into the floor.

"OW! ERO-SENIN!"

Jiraiya just continued snoring.

Naruto didn't know how to improve most of that, so he went out to the roof to think somewhere quieter than a lumbermill. It took him far longer than he'd like to admit before he sommoned Gamakichi.

The tiny toad blinked and rubbed his eyes. "Hey, bro. What's up?"

"What do you know about senjutsu?"

"Senjutsu? Uh… I think some of the older toads back at Mount Myōboku do that."

Naruto blinked. He hadn't expected to just get an answer like that. He'd expected some sort of epic quest or something. "So how do I talk to them?"

"Jeez. I guess I could see if they could reverse-summon you. Or you could just ask Jiraiya-san. He learned senjutsu decades ago."

"I can't rely on Ero-senin. He taught me that I have to figure stuff out on my own. So that's what I'm doing."

"Yeah. Okay. I'll talk to Fukasaku-sama and Shima-sama. In the morning."

With that, the small toad dispersed in a cloud of chakra smoke. Naruto frowned and ran through the summoning again.

"Awwwww man. I said I'd talk to them in the morning."

"Yeah. Thanks, but I had a couple more questions."

"I'm too young to be up this late, bro. Can we do this in the morning?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Fine, but remember to talk to those sages."

"Yeah, yeah."

That left genjutsu, taijutsu, and ninjutsu. Kakashi knew a thousand jutsus or something, but Kakashi was so lazy that he'd never teach anything. Lee's jonin-sensei might be the way to go for taijutsu training. What was his name? Gai? Guy? Something like that.

Wait. Lee was still messed up from the preliminaries and Tsunade was supposed to help him. But he'd been distracted by the whole "becoming Hokage" thing and then the fighting Tsunade thing and forgotten. He was definitely a shitty friend. He'd have to fix that.

000

Tsunade was happily sleeping propped up against the wall of her hotel room. Usually, she would've put on some comfortable pajamas and passed out, but Jiraiya was around and she just couldn't stomach the thought of the old goat catching a glimpse of her. There was a time when she wouldn't care, but that was during a war and things were different. She was different, back then.

"TSUNADE!"

Great. The blond menace. The one who'd had to rescue her from Orochimaru. And wasn't that just embarrassing. Stupid brat. She opened one eye, even though she could tell he was three feet away from her. Maybe she'd have been able to smell him if she didn't reek of alcohol so badly that she couldn't smell anything else.

It was like a nightmare monster out of her dreams. He was covered from head to toe in blood and gore. Tsunade began hyperventilating.

"Oh, no! You don't get to freak out! Not anymore! You're going to get over this bullshit! No Hokage of mine is going to be so weak that a little blood makes her freeze up."

Naruto threw some blobs of gore that spattered against Tsunade.

"AAAAAAHHHH!"

"Stop it! They're just fish! And I'm gonna keep pelting you with them until you stop me. Until you learn to deal with this whatever-it-is!"

Another round of sloppy fish smashed against Tsunade. This time Naruto shot forward and slapped her across the face.

"I'm Konoha's number one prankster and I'll find something that gets under your skin worse than blood. Believe it!"

Tsunade inched away from the blood monster into the corner. The blood monster put one hand on its chin and thought for a second. Then it cried out, "Oiroke no jutsu, Tsunade edition!"

It was her. Covered in blood. Naked as the day she was born. Something in the back of her mind started burning away at the terror. It was tiny, but it wasn't terror.

"I think I should go see if Jiraiya-sama wants to take a look. I bet he would. Unless someone can stop me~~~"

That burning in her mind raged against the terror, the dread. It wasn't just pushing it aside either. It was replacing it.

"Please d-don't."

Blood-Tsunade turned in profile. She arched her back and put a finger to her lips. She was sticking her ass and tits out like some kind of pornographic horror.

"But Jiraiya-sama won't mind a little blood. He's a real ninja. He deserves to something he likes."

The rage was pushing down against the horror and Tsunade wasn't seeing the horror anymore. Just some brat who was going to indulge positively indecent things that she only ever wanted to do with Dan! Jiraiya wasn't Dan! He didn't get to see that! THIS BRAT DIDN'T GET TO SEE THAT!

Tsunade shot up and punched the bloody imposter so hard it would have brought down the building. It resisted for just a moment before dispersing into a cloud of chakra smoke. The brat appeared in the window, covered in blood.

"I'm going to kill you."

"That's all it took? A little fanservice? Seriously?"

"GGRAAAAAAAAWWWWW!"

Another clone went "POOF." Tsunade looked down to the street. There was another Naruto covered in blood. He was holding his stomach. Tsunade could see a small section of intestine in his hands. Her eyes shot open and then the brat turned back into that fanservice Tsunade. It turned back into a boy with his guts hanging out before she struck.

000

Naruto winced. That last clone had used a scene from a foreign horror film: _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_. Only Naruto had added more gore. Stuff he'd seen in hospitals and butcher shops mixed together. Tsunade wasn't stopping anymore. He spawned another clone and let it slip out of the ground where he was hiding.

"It sure doesn't look like blood is giving you trouble now, granny."

Tsunade was crying though. That couldn't be good.

"If you EVER show Jiraiya what I look like naked, I don't care what you've done, I don't care what your dreams are, I don't care how much you remind me of my dead brother, I will end you. Are we clear? I will END you. I will torture you to death in ways more painful than you could possibly imagine. I will put your balls in a jar on my desk as a warning to others. It will be the only thing left of you. And I will be able to do this because you spent all night tortured me. So yes, I'm over the hemophobia. You are one transformation away from ending. Are we clear?"

Naruto gulped. "Yes, Hokage-sama. Jiraiya doesn't know I can do that and I swear he will never find out."

"Get the fuck out of my sight."

000

Two men in black cloaks with red clouds stood watching. One had blue skin and shark-like teeth.

"Did you hear what she said?"

"Of course. We're leaving."

"A tactical retreat?"

"We can't take two Sanin. Especially now."

The large, blue man nodded and shuddered. "I don't want my balls in a jar on her desk either. Killing is one thing, but that's just _wrong_."


End file.
